father and daughter

Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

How do you survive the death a parent when you are far away from home? Read on!

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes – Benjamin Franklin

Some people evade taxes. Most of us pay our dues; and then some. Death, however is the ultimate equalizer. It’s a path everyone, bar none, must take. Yet it seems we never ever get used to it.

My father passed away suddenly on December 27, 2009. Seven long years ago, yet it still seems surreal to me that he is no longer with us. I still talk about him as if he is still alive. I am sure those of you who have experienced this can relate.

The call

I remember the day like it was yesterday. Having been in the US for about a year and just started working, it wasn’t the time to be taking vacations even though I missed my family. I decided that I wouldn’t be going back home to visit for at least another year. You know how vacation eligibility works in corporate America.  And besides, I was working as a contractor back then so every hour counted to my pocket book.

I got a strange call from my mother early that Sunday morning. She didn’t give me details only to say that my father was really sick and things were not looking good. I was ready to board a plane because I had to see him! That was my dad you were talking about. She convinced me not to do it. So I waited, panicked as I could be. Only to get another call a few hours later that he didn’t make it.

I was devastated. I couldn’t contain myself. The shock, overwhelming grief, the pain, the hurt, the unanswered questions… wanting to see him, to speak to him, to hug him one last time. But I was thousands of miles away. Far away from my family and friends, my support system.

How did I handle it?

I grieved

I cried, I hollered, I screamed,  I rolled, I heaved, I cried out to God, I asked why…you name it… I did it. That was grieving for me. Whatever I felt like doing, that’s just what I did. No trying to think rational, or being strong or having anyone talk me out of just wallowing in my state. I just let loose.

This happened on Sunday so I took the next day off work. I hadn’t slept and just didn’t feel like being around anyone. I grieved some more.

By this time the calls were coming in from far and wide. I was in a much better position to speak. But when I could not, I just didn’t. I was polite but some conversations I just didn’t engage in. It was just not the time.

I did not rush the process

Even though I was back at work by Tuesday(bank account calling), the heaviness in my heart began to feel physical. My heart felt like it was literally being ripped out of my chest. I put my best foot forward, trying to focus as best as I could on the tasks at hand. Not giving myself the room to think too much. When my mind wandered, I wrote. I wrote letters to my dad, I wrote letters to God. I just wrote. Being far away from home with no-one to spontaneously talk to when I needed to left me feeling lonely and  helpless. That was tough.

I wasn’t there to support my mother and that weighed heavily on me. But kudos to my younger brother(my only sibling), he was a tower of strength for all of us during that time.

I held on to the memories

My daddy was my hero, my champion, my cheer leader, my encourager. He and my mother gave us the tools we needed to become well-adjusted adults. They taught us to love God and lived as shining examples for us.

I have so many fond memories of him just being a really good dad. I still draw on these experiences whenever I begin to feel sad(I am tearing up even as I am writing this post). Even though he was an ordinary man, my father, he walked with princes and  paupers alike. He held the respect and admiration of all who he came in contact with.

Of the myriad of memories of my dad, one that I recalled with my husband recently was when I was about to start my final undergraduate year at the university in Jamaica. I had worked all summer and was looking forward to completing my university career while resident on campus. I  fell really ill and passed out in the hallway of the dorm; just fell flat on my face.

While I was recovering, he took public transportation up to the campus and came and camped out in my room just to keep me company. He just sat there and watched me while I slept, and no doubt prayed. I don’t even think he ate!! He just needed to know I was OK and I felt so secure having him there with me. Even now I feel like he still watches over me.

I faced it and got closure

The time came for me to go home. I was forced to once again face the reality of him being gone. That was by far the toughest part of this whole journey. Somehow in the back of my mind, I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, when I got there I would walk into the house and see him sitting in his favorite chair watching cricket(which was what he was doing when he passed away). My world was about to be rocked once again. I relived the whole experience of losing him all over again.

Looking back I realized that I had to go through it.  I needed closure. So I grieved once again. I talked about him. I looked through his stuff. Even though I had spoken to him the day before he died, I had to “feel” his presence one more time.

Many people visited with us while I was there. The stories they told of how he touched their lives started to comfort me. On the day of his funeral, our local church, which is pretty large, was overflowing its pews and balconies. Literally hundreds of people had come to pay their final respects. There was standing room only.  If I had any doubt, I confirmed that his was a life well lived and I knew he was resting well. He was at peace. He legacy was intact. That’s all you can ask for.

I know some of you might be going through a similar situation or will do so at some point in your life. I hope my experience and my coping strategies provide comfort and help you find ways to handle it.

Please comment below with any feedback. Let me know if you  like these kinds of posts as well.

 

Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

25 thoughts on “Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)”

  1. Bwoy, Heather… I couldn’t even finish reading your blog. The tears just started to well up with n my eyes and getting all choked up… From the perspective of losing a fellow deacon I was so sad and bewildered at the suddenness of how it happened… I was even advocating for more knowledge on what to do when ‘that condition’ happened. That aspirin should be a household item not to be out of. Hearing it now from your perspective as the daughter, was so heart wrenching… Hugs and more hugs girl. I even remember the time you spoke about when he came on campus when you were ill… Just keep holding on to God’s unchanging hand, He is there and a very present help. Love this new venture of yours, you’re inspiring me. Lata!

  2. I felt the cold bumps wash over me while reading this. I feel your pain and I too am going through a similar experience loosing my Dad four years now and just not being there when he passed. Just a few miles away and just not being there for him. Thanks for sharing your experience and reminding us that we are all the same and we all grieve in different yet the same ways. This was truly beautiful….special.

  3. The memories will stay with you for a life time. “Memories don’t leave like people do”

  4. Girl I get you and have started trying to prepare mentally. I am a Jamaican living all the way in Tokyo. I go back once a year to get some quality time in with my parents. I was shocked out of my wits when my sister told me last Feb. how my mom had blacked out because of one of her meds – we didn’t know this was the cause. After it happened a second time and she was hospitalized for a week I dreaded that call but she is better now. Thanks for sharing girl and happy i found your blog over on the Facebook blogger group page.

  5. Now I KNOW I need to go spend more time with my dad! #Tears…This was hard to read, but thanks for sharing Heather.

  6. Heather, I read this blog with tears in my eyes much like I felt that morning when Graig called to give me the news. I remember that funeral in the middle of the week and marvelled at the hundreds of persons in attendance. ..your dad was a true GIANT. Kudos to Graig for his strength…I saw it again recently when your uncle passed. I cannot imagine how I would cope if my dad should pass but if I take a page from your book I will be fine…continue to cherish the fond memories and hold steadfast to God who is our Comforter and who in spite of everything remains “Large and in charge!”

    1. Indeed Paula! We can’t always plan for the curve balls life throws us but we can draw from other people’s experiences. Thanks for stopping by and He is certainly “Large and in charge”

  7. Bet you the West Indies was playing ( and losing)! Gonna have to warn my dad to not watch cricket anymore as I don’t want to lose him. I remember those university days – the final year – living on campus. Keep writing Heather ! Thanks

    1. Ah Charlene!! LOL… He was one faithful West Indies cricket fan… See you soon

  8. You have my condolences. You dealt with it in a healthy way, which was just to feel your emotions and give yourself time to grieve. Your father sounds like he was a wonderful person!

    I lost my grandma (who raised me in the US) during my college years. She passed away in Ghana during my senior year and it was so devastating, especially because I couldn’t take time off school to go to her funeral. I think the silver lining with losing a loved one is to see how much they were loved. Thanks for sharing this very real and heartfelt experience.

    1. I really appreciate that! My condolences to you as well. Death is never easy but as you said there is a silver lining.

  9. Thanks for sharing. I remember my call in 2002 and it still feels like yesterday. Being here in this country without a support system is the worse. Even to this day, I am scared when the phone or now the iPad goes off and I see Jamaica. I listen to hear crying in the background. If I don’t, I breathe a sigh of relief. Awesome work…keep sharing.

  10. Hi Heather so sorry to hear about the death of your father. I know your mom and dad for years, I’m sorry I didn’t get to pay my last respect to Mr Stewart, he’s a father, a gentleman, care giver and hero in his own rights. I met him at Phillippo Baptist Church from I was a young child, before you were born, and I grow to love and respect Mr Stewart all those years, a quiet and jovial person. May GOD REST HIS SOUL

    1. Hi Carole. Thank you! Small world. He was indeed. I miss him more than you know especially since the birth of my son. Thanks for stopping by and hope you come again soon.

  11. I just stopped by to browse, but then I read the entire thing!

    Dang, that was lovingly powerful!

    It is also for those who still have our dads to show them how much we appreciate them.

  12. Heather, I too lost my dad suddenly while far away from home. He waved me goodbye at the airport before I flew out to Jamaica for my final year at university/seminary, and within 30 days the message was relayed to me late one night as I chaired a meeting of my student council that he had had a fatal road accident earlier that day. The flight from Kingston (with several stops before reaching Trinidad as it used to be back then) the following day was the longest trip of my life. The funeral was the following week and because I had classes and studies that were not awaiting my return, I left home within a few days after the funeral. I recall having to convince myself that he was gone. I realized early that I hadn’t remained in the house long enough to allow the empty bed, the untouched closet of clothing and the wreck of a car that was now in the yard to register on me that he was gone. For years after, when I’d drive along the same route where he crashed, I’d bang the steering wheel in anguish, sometimes anger.
    Things were not always great with my dad. Indeed, it was merely a couple of years after things began to be less tense between him and the rest of the family that he passed. He died before I was 25 years old – that time when a growing young adult man needed his father.
    That is the segue into your own dad’s passing. You might recall that my departure from my place of work where your dad was deacon, was not happy, and that he had a significant contribution to that event. To this day I am saddened at those events. Interestingly, I was in the pulpit of the church mere hours before his passing. I remember seeing your mom in the crowd after the worship, but didn’t see him. And it was a shock to be awakened the very next morning with the news that he was gone. His sudden passing saddened me for similar reasons my own dad’s did: in the case of my dad, I was robbed of continued reconciliation; in the case of yours, I was robbed of any. Life is short; its the challenge to cherish, value and honor one another as gifts to each other, from the Almighty.
    Thanks for your reflections, Heather!

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