Conversations With My Son: Why did You Get a RED Star?

Those of you that have kids in kindergarten might be familiar with the behavior reporting system that some teachers implement to keep them in line and to keep parents abreast of how they are doing behavior-wise on a daily basis. My son’s classroom has a clip system, where they start out in the middle on “ready to learn” and they can either go up or down depending on how they do on that day. The best possible is “outstanding” (pink star) and the worst possible is “parent contact”(red star).

My son has had a pretty difficult week this week(not sure what’s happening), and he ended the week with a red star. Of course he came home knowing that we would not be happy about that and went straight to sleep.

Now as a (good) parent, you want your child to do well and be the best version of themselves. In a country where your color determines how you are perceived, you don’t want to give fodder to that viewpoint(this is real people). You want to raise a strong black man, who is able to maneuver successfully despite the odds that are stacked against him.

Questions

How do you bring that out in your child without breaking his spirit, without him losing himself and who he innately is? How do you reinforce positive behaviors while correcting the bad ones?

Parenting Styles

I have been doing some research on parenting styles and how they can impact children. Because you know we don’t get a manual on how to do this. I found some info that I’d like to share with you because I am sure some of you struggle with this as well. In summary there are 4 main types(and they are not mutually exclusive).

Authoritarian – this is where parents set the rules and expect children to follow without exception. I call this “because I said so” parenting. Prominent in this style is punishment. Based on psychological research this style of parenting can lead to self-esteem problems even though children raised with this style may be more likely to follow the rules.

Authoritative – this is where parents set rules and expect children to follow, however there are some exceptions. Parents using this style may tell children why the rules are what they are and are willing to consider their feelings in setting limits. There are more consequences for actions rather than punishment and there are usually positive consequences for positive behaviors; usually a reward system. Children raised with this parenting style tend to be happier and more successful later in life as they are comfortable evaluating risks on their own.

Permissive – this is where parents don’t offer much discipline. They take a “kids will be kids” approach and only step in when things have gotten really bad. Parents using this style tend to be more of a friend to their children. They talk about issues with their children but don’t generally discourage bad behaviors. Children raised with this style may struggle academically and not appreciate authority and rules.

Uninvolved – this is where parents are just plain old neglectful(believe it or not there are parents out there like this). They often do not meet the basic needs of their children and expect that the children will raise themselves or each other. There are no rules and no nurturing or parental attention.

Source: https://www.verywell.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

Can you figure out what style(s) you are?

Our Conversation

I thought back to a previous conversation we had about another “red star” day. Usually, we would let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and that he would need to do better the next day. That day I decided to take a different approach. I asked him what happened. Of course he said “I don’t know”. He just didn’t want to talk about it. So I proceeded to explain to him(as gently and reasonably as I could) that we have to be honest with each other(even if he thinks he will be in trouble) because I won’t be able to help him if he’s not. Amazingly, he understood.

He relayed the events to me, obviously still upset. It was picture day and he had worn his new shirt to school. They had recess before the pictures were taken and there was another boy who kept tugging his shirt on the playground. He said he told him to stop. When he wouldn’t he went and told his teacher. The teacher spoke to them and told them to go play. But the other child kept tugging his shirt so asked him if he’s stupid. Oops! That word is taboo in schools nowadays. The little boy told and gained him a red star.

Now as a parent, when you hear stories like this, you want to say “OK, never mind”, and just keep it moving. But unfortunately, we have to start teaching our black sons how to handle themselves to avoid situations like this if possible while still standing up for themselves.

After he said that, I actually had tears in my eyes because I was thinking ahead to him being a 6 ft something 20 years old young black man, being provoked, retaliating and then having to face consequences for actions that he didn’t start. That’s real!

My Response

I thought about it a little bit and tried to think of the best way to respond. All this time he was sitting in my lap with his head on my chest. I looked at him and said. “I understand.”. And that was all it took.

He loosened up and his whole demeanor changed. I went on to explain that sometimes we get frustrated with others because of the things they do, and that’s OK. What is not OK is when we call others names. We are going to try to work on that. He asked “Then what should I do?”. I told him to not to play with that kid any more if he keeps annoying him and to keep reporting it until something is done. That’s all I could come up with that was appropriate for a 5 year old.

I am so grateful for his previous pre-school. They got it right. They did not punish but rather had consequences for actions(good or bad). I asked him “If I robbed a bank, what would happen?”. His response “You would go to jail”. So I said “That’s the consequence”. So I asked “So how do you prevent consequences for bad actions?” He said “Don’t rob a bank!”. I had to laugh because it was funny, but I think he got it.

What I suggest

Talk to your kids

No matter how young they are start having conversations with them and learn their personalities and how they are forming their view of the world. That’s the only way we as parents will have an opportunity to catch things that will probably lead them to make wrong choices. My belief is that children should respect parents and adults in general, but we should also try to understand them. Listen to them. Get to know them. The world has changed so much since we were children. The generation gap is widening every day but there are some fundamental values that I think should remain.

Don’t judge them

As young as my son is, if he feels like you’ve judged the situation before he’s had a chance to explain, that’s it. And I’m speaking to myself as well, don’t judge them before you know the whole story. If you don’t know it, listen. And after you listen, show some humanity. Let them know what aspects of what they did is OK, and what’s not. You don’t get a chance to do that if you don’t hear it. We have to encourage honesty, regardless of what they deem the consequences to be. Punishment is not always the best response either. If there are consequences for actions, explain them and why. The aim is to change the behavior.

I know each child is different, and what works for my child will probably be different for yours. So I hope you can find something useful in my situation. We all want to raise positive, well adjusted adults. That starts from day 1. Whoever said parenting was easy??

Thanks again for stopping by and sharing in my ramblings. Please remember to subscribe and follow us on social media so you never miss out! See you soon.

Easter Traditions(Jamaica vs USA)

It’s Easter! Celebrated in many different ways by many different people. Cherished traditions are passed down through generations, focusing on different aspects of the holiday. It’s very strange to me that Good Friday and Easter Monday are not national holidays here in the US like it is in Jamaica and other parts of the world. It’s a normal day for work and school just like any other. That threw me for a loop when first came here. How could that be?

The root of Easter lies in the celebration and resurrection of Jesus Christ. For those of us of faith, this will be the focus of the holiday however it is celebrated. I will be focusing on a couple Jamaican Easter traditions that I miss and some differences in traditions between how Easter is celebrated in Jamaica and US.

Fish

During my childhood, apart from Christmas, this was one of the most anticipated holidays. It’s usually a time when friends and family get together over the long Easter weekend(from Good Friday straight through to Easter Monday). Starting from Ash Wednesday, in observance of Lent, people would give up something for 40 days until Easter. That was mainly along the lines of meat and such. As a result, fish became a main staple during Easter. Our meals almost always contained fish prepared by either frying, steaming, roasting, whatever. Just know, you’re going to have fish. Living on an island made this easy, but as with the rules of demand and supply, prices skyrocketed during this season.

I haven’t noticed any foods that stand out during Easter since I have been in the US but usually people take time out so share with family and friends, whether it be a picnic, cookout, or just Easter dinner. So that we have in common.

Bun and Cheese

Another staple of Easter time was “bun and cheese”. Not sure how this tradition came about but it’s been around “from I know myself”. I heard some time ago that it has it roots in the British tradition of hot cross buns. For those of you who don’t know what that is, my best description would be that it’s a very sweet loaf(bread), similar in taste to a hot cross bun but with unique Jamaican flair. Molasses and honey added along with other local delights which make it unique. It is usually made like a sandwich which a huge chunk of cheddar cheese in the middle.

It’s such a staple of our culture that people give them as gifts during the season; offices hand them out to their staff and businesses to their clients. Whether its store-bought or home-made, doesn’t matter. Bun and cheese haffi run fi Easter. (Translation: There will always be bun and cheese around for Easter)

Good Friday and Easter Sunday Church Service

There are definitely similarities here between Jamaica and the US. Church was usually standing room only on these days because those folks who don’t make it to church on any other Sunday, for whatever reason, make an effort for Easter. It’s always great to see the turnout and you kinda hope that it will follow through to next week. But that’s not usually the case. But it’s all good! Better special occasions than not at all. I also remember that people would traditionally wear black on Good Friday and then white on Easter.

Here in America, it’s all about the beautiful pastel shades for Easter. Easter dresses for little girls, beautiful hats and even the boys have carte blanche to dress up in pastel shades, even for that one day. It’s a beauty to watch, just like the spring time flowers that are in full bloom at that time.

Easter Bunny and Egg Hunts

Now, the Easter Bunny and all it’s paraphernalia and traditions were never a feature in Jamaica when I was growing up. However within recent years there are pockets of people who partake. Globalization at its best. In the US, there are stories about the Easter Bunny surprising kids with Easter eggs filled with candy and other treats. This is fun for the kids because it’s like Christmas all over again, except they need to find the gifts themselves. This one took a little getting used to for me because, who wants their kids pumped up with more candy!! (I let my son do the egg hunt then ration the candies lol). But seriously, can someone enlighten me on what rabbits and eggs have to do with Easter? I’m sure it’s rooted in some tradition but no one seems to be able to tell me!!

There is also the tradition of dying eggs during Easter. This one takes me out of my depth so I stay far from it. Not sure what the root of it is, but I am happy to let my son participate with his school friends along with his able teachers who know exactly how it’s done. No shame in my game!

I am still learning and adjusting to new traditions here in America. I live here, so when is Rome… However I try to maintain my own traditions as well, so my son is informed of his roots and the cultures I grew up with that made me who I am today.

Please comment below and share some of your Easter traditions that you grew up with and any that you have acquired along the way. I am sure some of you have fun family traditions that would be interesting to the rest of us.

The Truth About Parents

Being a parent is one of the most unique undertakings I have engaged in in my entire life. I’m sure all the parents out there can relate. It’s tough yet rewarding at the same time. The same people who make you want to scream and tear your hair out, melt your heart in an instant.

I have always heard it said if you thought you knew love before, wait until you have a child. I can certainly attest to that 100 percent. So much so that I cannot fathom how anyone could intentionally cause harm to their own kids. That’s beyond my ability to comprehend.

This brings me to the notion of our own parents. And this question is for those of us who have been fortunate to attain adulthood and still have our parents around… isn’t it interesting how the dynamic of your relationship with your parents evolves and changes over time? How you manage the balance between showing them respect, even fear(healthy) as your parents, seeking their advice on things, but yet becoming their guides in a changing world and for some even their caregivers. It’s as if you were becoming the parent to them, almost.(I also want to give a shout out to those who were raised by people other than biological parents. This post refers to those care givers as well).

A childhood friend of mine reached out to me this week about a surprise birthday event she was planning for her father who was about to celebrate his 75th birthday. First of all, it struck me. 75!!! What was she saying? Didn’t make sense. Then I thought about my own mother and realized, hmmmm she’s pretty close to that too. I started thinking about the varying relationships I have noticed between my adult friends and their own parents. Some were good, others not so good. And while I am not judging anyone’s relationship with their parents, because I really don’t know, I thought back to my own parents and some lessons I have learnt as an adult that can help me to understand them more and have a better relationship. Maybe they can help you too.

Here are 3 thoughts to bear in mind when it comes to our parents.

Cherish Them

I think this is where we should all start. Sometimes we don’t know what we have until we lose it. I knew what I had, but I still lost it. My dad of blessed memory. You can read my story about my father’s passing in a previous post. I don’t think I could even have gotten to the place I am now if I had somehow had a bad relationship with him and then to have lost him the way I did. I know he knew he was loved by us and we knew the same. Even though I had not seen him for a year when he passed away, he understood why and we had been keeping close contact.

So those of you who may have strained relationships with your parents, please, try to make it right. Remember you’re now an adult as well so you can communicate and work through things as adults, together. If you should lose them while you’re in that state, trust me, you will take a much longer time to go through the pain of the loss. I know this is not a one size fits all, but I know this is speaking to somebody out there. Cherish your parents!

READ: Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

Train Them

Now this might sound strange, but you really need to do this. Remember, some of them are not used to having adult children who are now responsible for making their own life choices, whether they like them or not. You need to help them make that transition. It’s not easy for them. They brought you into this world and have been responsible for you for a very long time. They are used to telling you what to do.

This doesn’t have to be combative; not like a rebellious teen. I know, they tell you how to raise your kids, how to cook your meals, how to run your household, your life even… But slowly helping them adjust to the changing nature of the relationship between you and them will go a far way.

Forgive Them

This is last on the list but certainly not least. We need to forgive our parents. For those of us that are parents ourselves, we know that being a parent is not an easy task. No-one teaches you how to do it. You don’t get a manual for it. You either make the decision to have a child or you’re forced to and from then on it’s sink or swim.

We learn most of our parenting from our parents. We either mimic them or we decide we will do it differently. Either way, we make that judgement call, daily, how we will parent our kids.

If we think about how challenging it is for ourselves, why do we think that it was any easier for our parents??? They were not perfect, sometimes far from it. But many of them made the best decisions with the resources they had at the time. Looking back, even they may have done it differently. But that’s the thing about life… you don’t get a do-over. Just got to move forward and make adjustments as you go. Resentment for past actions is not the way to go. Forgive them!

Finally, I truly believe that it’s our responsibility to build on what our parents have given us. We should endeavor to make it better for the next generation, and so on. So we should move on from the mistakes of past generations and we should also expect the generation we leave behind to do the same. If we keep that perspective, the world will continually be a better place. I know this sounds like a “world peace” speech but it’s a simple concept. And it begins(or continues) with us.

Thanks for sharing this moment with me. I really feel this will speak to someone(even just one) and that will be enough for me.

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4 Basic Tips for Reducing Financial Stress

If you think back to a stress-free time in your life, either you had no responsibilities or you had everything under control. Well, if your life is anything like the rest of us, the first option might have been during our pre-teen years and the latter is totally impossible. Sadly, a jus’ so di ting set(Translate – it’s just how life works). This post will focus on four simple ways to reduce financial stress.

Can we all stop and think of a time in our life when we were stress-free? Just think with me for a minute… Where would you be? Recreate the scenery right now.

For me it would be back when I was a child, playing with self-made toys with my neighbors and friends during summer vacation. You know those months when all you had to do was play, and your chores of course. But the top priority was play time and interacting with friends. The only stress we had was making sure that we completed our chores on time and deciding what teams we would be on. In Jamaica, it would probably be 90 degrees, brisk breeze… we’d be eating fruits from the trees, playing one game after the next. Looking forward to trips to the beach; to some new spot on the island you had never been; visiting relatives and friends. Laughter and fun was never in scarce supply. Ahhhh…

Life throws so many things our way; some real, others imagined. These circumstances can lead to stress of varying degrees. The focus of this post is on those of the financial kind. I know you know them. We probably can all speak from personal experience but that will not be the focus of this post. I want us to consider 4 simple things we can do to reduce that financial stress and recreate some of that feeling we had during the stress-free time in our lives, even if just for a short time.

My tips are loosely based on Dave Ramsey’s plan but scaled back based on my own experience and where I am on my journey.

Build up your emergency fund

This is for unforeseen eventualities that WILL pop up. For example, an unexpected car-related expense, a house repair, you get the picture. Since I am in the US the recommendation is to have at least US$1000. You can equate that to your own currency and decide what that figure should be for you. But make sure you have the emergency fund built up so, not if, but WHEN those curve balls come at you, you can dig in. But remember to replace it. It should always be available.

Plan your budget/expenses

When I say plan, I mean every dollar. Have you ever heard of the concept called zero-based budgeting? I hadn’t either, but it means that you should budget every last dollar until there is no money left in your account. I know it sounds strange but stay with me.

Now, this does not mean you should spend all your money, but it simply means that every dollar is accounted for, and get this… even for saving. See how that works! So you know when your funds are coming in, you look at all your categories(monthly bills, everyday expenses, fixed expenses, debt, giving , saving etc.) and you allocate all your income to each category as appropriate.

I must admit this was hard for me at first, but the more you do it the more you get used to it and you begin to see the value. That way when you have to spend money on say ice-cream for the kids, or shopping for those shoes you have been eyeing that are now on sale, there is no guilt. It’s planned for. And guess what, your stress levels go down.

Plan your payments weekly

This is one of my valuable tips. I started doing it and a couple weeks ago I skipped out on it and something unintended came up and I panicked. What happens when you panic, stress levels go up! There might not have been a need to panic but because I had lost control of exactly where things were I could not resolve it in my mind. Not until I sat down and caught up did I begin to feel more at ease. What this entails is every week(or however often you need), you look at all your upcoming bills or payments and schedule them to make sure they are paid on time. Some people have separate accounts for all the different categories but that’s a bit too much over head for me at this point. Try planning weekly and let me know how it works for you.

Last but not least,

Come up with a plan to get rid of your debt

Now this is no secret. I shared with you a few posts ago how I was able to overcome the medical debt trap during my pregnancy and the birth of my son. Some debt is unavoidable. I don’t know many people who can survive without debt so it would be unfair to say, do not get into debt. However, we should try to get out of it as soon as we can. Consumer debt… no brainer. That’s a given. That needs to happen fast. The only people who benefit from that kind of debt are the card companies. But other kinds of debt like cars, homes etc. we should try to reduce or eliminate as soon as possible.

I know it’s a tall order and I confess I do have debt. The stress factor comes in when you fall behind on your obligations and are eventually either staring the repo man or foreclosure in the face. All the more reason to try to reduce or eliminate them as soon as you can. This would be the ultimate financial peace where you owe no one. Wouldn’t that be grand!!

These tips are very simple so if you haven’t started they should be easy to adapt. For those of you who are farther along, please share. I am also on my journey to ultimate financial peace as well. I will be sharing with you any tips that I come up with that can help you. Feel free to share with me your strategies as well. Each one, teach one.

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Conversations With My Son: The RACE Talk for Kindergartners

Do you remember the show “Kids Say the Darndest Things”? Well I want to turn that around and say “Kids Ask the Darndest Questions”. How do you respond when those questions lead to the subject of race? Here’s a recent conversation between my 5 year old son and his dad.

“Daddy, am I African?”

“Not really, but you are African-American. Your ancestors were brought to America from Africa”

“And I am half-Jamaican too. So is Mommy more African than me and you?”

“No son, all of us are just as African”

“But Mommy is dark”

“Son, it doesn’t matter how dark or light you are, all African-Americans are descended from Africans”

Now, to put this conversation in context, my son is 5 years old, soon to be 6. Very smart, enquiring mind. He reads well so if you want to keep something from him, don’t write it; it will get read. Children this age are very literal, you have to be so careful how you communicate with them because your words can mislead them, even though you have the best intentions.

The subject of race and color is probably going to be one of the hardest things we are going to have speak to him about. Question is how much and when. Too much too soon can be just as harmful as too little too late.

My Background

Let me backtrack a bit. I was born and raised in Jamaica; spent the majority of my adult life there before moving to the US. For those of you who haven’t met a Jamaican, we are a particularly unique people in many ways. You see, we have common threads with the US due to our history with slavery. Jamaica was also colonized by the British who brought slaves from West Africa to work on sugar plantations when sugar was king. Crops might have been different but the principle was definitely the same.

However, our journey through that era and process afterwards was little different. This will not be history lesson but the long and short of it was that slavery was abolished in Jamaica over 30 years before it was abolished in America. That is almost a lifetime. So needless to say the Jamaican journey of recovery from an oppressive regime started long before it did in the US. Of course, other systems followed that were as close to slavery as it could get, but the journey had started.

As you can imagine, by the time I made my entry into the world, most of that was distant history that we were taught in school. We did not have ancestors alive to relate these stories. Our motto “Out of Many, One People” was ingrained in us at an early age. Of course, everybody’s reality will be different and there are still remnants of the legacy of slavery and indentured servitude that still haunt us even today.

But my key point is that race was never something that was top of mind to be taught/made aware of to most of us as children. My parents never discussed this with me; and I doubt that was the case with most parents. I am by no means saying racism(or colorism) did not exist, but it was definitely not rampant. Not in a country where 95% of the population is Black. And it definitely doesn’t hold the importance that it does here in America.

The RACE talk

One night, he became very pensive during his bedtime routine. Then he called me over and said “Mommy, I want to talk to you about something”. Of course you know I tensed up. What could a 5 year old have to discuss with me that would require him to start a conversation like that!

During Martin Luther King Jr celebrations at school, he learnt about Rosa Parks who refused to sit in the back of the bus. He was distraught, worried for me. He wanted to know why dark people had to ride in the back of the bus. After all, he can see that I am dark and he’s not. They had used the word “dark” to refer to Black people. So that was his literal translation of what happened.

He asked me why. I stumbled. Honestly, I really didn’t know what to say. In between gathering my thoughts and shaking in my boots, I told him that everybody in America didn’t have the same rights and that African American people were treated unfairly. Luckily, he is aware enough; so I reinforced the fact that he was African American and showed him how proud he should be. He knew about and admired people like MLK Jr, Barack Obama, so on and so forth. I was so relieved and happy when he became so excited about that fact that he went to Sunday School and bragged to his teacher that he is African American, as if they didn’t know. I didn’t have to tell him the gory details, not yet.

There will come a time, and sooner than we think, when we will have to tell him the naked truth. How to behave under certain circumstances when he’s out there in the world by himself. But at this age when he’s building self esteem and confidence, how do you tell him the harsh reality of the skin he was born in? These are not rhetorical questions, I really want to know. I am out of my depth here.

My husband is American, born and raised here; lived here all his life. He might be able to do a better job than I can, but fact is, it has to be done. And with specifics too. That element has raised itself to the surface in this country and he is bound to encounter it. Whoever said parenting was easy.

My message

What I really want to say is:

“Son, you are special. God made all of us special. No one has the right to make you feel any less than you are. And you shouldn’t make anyone else feel that way either. People will be mean to you, for no other reason than you might look different. Notice them, beware of them but love them anyway. You don’t need to be friends with them if they don’t or can’t be friends with you, love them anyway.

BUT protect yourself. Protect your body, but most of all protect your heart. Your first instinct should be self preservation. You might not be able to make things right the way you think it should be, so don’t try to fight that battle alone. It might not be the time or the place.

Feel free to share your experiences with us. We can give you perspective based on our experiences and what we have learnt. Things that you might not know or may never need to know. But just know we are here to equip you as much as we can.

This world can be a horrible place, but find the love in it. Love always leads us to do the right thing. So follow love, not hate.”

It’s a sad reality, but I know this is not enough. He will need specific tools, skills and strategies just to survive in this country.

Please share with me some of your experiences and strategies used in the comments. I really want to learn. Raising a Black son in America ain’t easy. After all Jackass was right, di worl’ still nuh level(Translate: Life just ain’t fair).

Thanks again for taking the time to share with me. Please also follow me on social media so you never miss a post.

Overcoming Financial Setbacks the Debt Free Way

In Jamaica we have a saying “When trouble teck you pickney shut(shirt) fit yuh“.

Translation: When trouble comes to you, a child’s shirt will fit you

Meaning: When in difficult situations, you have to make adjustments to survive

I do believe we can all relate to a time in our lives when despite our best laid plans, we have suffered from some kind of setback, financial or otherwise. You know the kind that throws you into a tailspin and you’re left with your hands on your head wondering what your next move will be… the kind that makes you start to think of the worst possible scenario and thinking of contingency plans just-in-case. I am sure most, if not all of us can relate. Today I want to focus on those of the financial kind, you know them.

Well, I have had my fair share of those, and I thought I’d share with you how I was able to move forward from them and some lessons I have learned along the way. Now, I know some of you might have had worse things happen and others; not so bad. But what I will attempt to do is to pull some references from across the board that we all can relate to and hopefully the lessons will apply to your situation regardless of the intensity. Please keep in mind that this is not financial advice; I am just sharing my experience with you.

None of us is immune to adversity, especially financial ones. And it seems to me that living in the US presents some magnified challenges. Not just because I am away from home, but suffice it to say, it’s much easier to fall into a situation that can have immediate impact which can make recovery difficult. Can I get an amen?

First situation that comes to mind was during my pregnancy and right after my son was born. Now you don’t know what you don’t know until you need to know, right? My first encounter dealing with health insurance in the US was an eye opener for me. Now all I knew was that I had health insurance, after all I could see the contributions being extracted from my paycheck every 2 weeks. I’ve had health insurance before, how different could it be?? Think again!

I had started my regular appointments to the ob-gyn and presented my health card. On each visit I would just walk out of the Dr’s office, no payment requested. So I thought to myself, “Hmmm, at what point are the going to ask me to pay and how much”. I asked, but I wasn’t given an answer(the admin people have no idea). You see, for the most part, all of that is on the backend. After all, where I’m from, we talk about the money up front. So you know what you are dealing with.

Anyway, the time came to talk about payments, then I realized that there is a lump sum charge for all prenatal visits and then another for delivery. So we discussed that and agreed on a payment plan. As onerous as it was, we had no choice. After all I couldn’t have decided to deliver this baby myself!!

We started paying the agreed amount monthly which would take us up until time for delivery. When we go to January of the following year, we realized that our payment increased. They advised me to call the insurance company who then proceeded to tell me that my deductible was reset at the beginning of every calendar year. What!!! I didn’t even know that. It was as if they were speaking a different language; copays, deductibles, out-of-pocket, in-network, out of-network HMO, PPO. Lots of complexity that was nothing like my SHAPE plan from LOJ back home or my mother’s Blue Cross plan that I had until I was of age. This is stuff no one bothers to talk about or explain, especially for a newbie immigrant like me. The assumption was that you already know.

The long and short of it was that I had to come more out of pocket. AND I hadn’t started talking with the hospital yet!! That was another large lump sum payment that would become due in June.

Apart from medical payments, we had to think of preparing for the arrival on our son. He needed clothes, blankets, diapers etc. That stuff costs! We were just bleeding funds, out of our ears. At the same time we were thinking of moving from the apartment we were renting at the time. What a mess!!! There was the cost of moving, the costs associated with purchasing our new home(our mortgage turned out to be less than our rent) among other things. At the time my salary was good, but not great and my husband was working a commission-based sales position and the pay was not consistent.

We not only had to look for ways to cut back on everything, we had to set our frame of mind to tackle the challenges because in this case, we did not have much of a choice. With a baby on the way, in our minds this was just something we had to do. I’m thinking back and wondering how under the heavens we got it done, BUT WE DID IT, without debt.

We have had other challenges since then and have had to get creative in pushing through them. For instance, we have in the past decided to go down to one income temporarily(it was only for 3 months), so I could stay home and care for my baby. At any rate, who knew you had to get on a waiting list before your child was born to secure a spot in a decent child care facility. I had not, so I did not have many options. Being far away from home as well with no family support made it even more difficult. I was so grateful that my mother agreed to come and care for him for a while so I could go back out to work and until we could get him into a day care facility.

Below is a consolidation of a few debt-free strategies we have employed to manage and overcome financial setbacks and challenges we faced.

We looked at where we were spending our money

Budgets used to be a bad word for me. I am not very structured when it comes to finances. But we put it all down on paper and it became real. No guessing or estimating, it was there for us to see. The biggest shocker was how much we spent on food! That was our biggest monthly expense, after the mortgage.

We trimmed the fat

After taking a critical look at all our recurring bills, we looked at how much we were paying and either eliminated the bill completely, or found a away to reduce it. Bills like expensive cable was dropped. Then we renegotiated our telephone bill and car insurance.

We cut our spending – strict “no-spend” periods

We would go for a period of time when we would not eat out, purchase clothing or anything like that. Instead of buying lunch at work, we packed our lunches in order to save money. You would be surprised at the difference this makes to your budget.

We found ways to cut our grocery spending

The first thing I did was to shop my own pantry and refrigerator. I don’t know if you’re like me, but my pantry was filled with things I didn’t even know I had. In my case because my pantry was so disorderly. I took the time and reorganized my pantry, threw out expired items and found a place for everything else. My items were easy to find therefore I knew exactly what I had so I could plan meals around what I had already.

I also started clipping coupons. Don’t knock it, it’s a huge money saver especially on non-perishables. Sometimes I end up with items for free!! I also changed the way I shopped for certain items. (I could write a whole blog post on this). Even my husband is adopting my critical(read cheap) shopping habits.

These are simple everyday strategies I have used. There are some other larger strategies that I will explore with you another time that will have an even bigger long term impact. I didn’t want this post to get too long.

But please share with me some of your tips and tricks in the comments below. I am very eager to learn from you. You can also follow me on my social media channels so we can continue to learn from each other.

Coming to America – What I Wished I Knew about CREDIT

Who remembers that classic movie “Coming to America”? Hmm Hmm, I know you do. Especially those of us that are of a certain age. Eddie Murphy played the role of a very rich and pampered African prince who travels to New York City and goes undercover to find a wife. It was hilarious watching him stick out like a sore thumb in the American culture.

Many of my Caribbean friends can relate to this phenomena of migrating to the great US of A, albeit not as rich African princes. Our experiences are not as dramatic, but despite living in the same hemisphere there are differences between our cultures that cause angst and even issues for us as we immigrate to the USA. Issues which we hardly talk about.

Most people migrate with stars in their eyes about what life will be in the land of opportunity. Some have the benefit of the experience of family members, while others have no clue what lies ahead. As a friend of mine said “everybody who comes to America has a story to tell”. Of course, these stories are usually about some hardship they faced and hopefully overcame.

One of the first obstacles I was faced with was the issue of CREDIT. I will share with you my experience and what I have learned as an immigrant.

First of all, what on earth is credit?? Of course we know what credit is but WHAT is CREDIT? What do you mean I have no credit? How do I get it?

If you migrated to the US as an adult like I did, this is a rude awakening. First hurdle, it can be difficult to even open a bank account!! Implicit in almost every banking system I’ve come across is that you have come up through the American society and there are some things that are naturally in place. As an immigrant, of course, it’s NOT. So just getting past that can be a challenge.

My Story

I came to the US after being pretty established in Jamaica. I had gone through a few things financially like purchasing a car and a condo so that was definitely not new to me.

Moving to Atlanta, it is rather difficult to survive without a car. Public transportation is just not that well developed so you don’t have the freedom to live wherever you want if you need to rely on it.

I got off to what I thought was a pretty good start. I had bought a used car from someone I knew. After a few months the car was on it’s last leg(One of the pitfalls when you no longer have the benefit of having a good relationship with your local mechanic, miss that about back home). It had major issues which I wasn’t prepared to spend money on. So I started looking around for a better car.

I stopped by the dealership on my way home from work one night. They had a used 2008 Honda Accord, with low mileage that was calling my name. But of course I could not pay cash. You guessed it, I needed a loan. I was pretty much satisfied with the car and began to feel relief that I will no longer have to deal with the car that was leaking fluid and prone to leave me on some desolate freeway.

Wake Up Call(What I learned)

Your credit history outside of the country does not apply

The finance guy came over. We exchanged pleasantries and then the real business began. He asked me for my SSN, pulled up my information. Then the dreaded words came “You have no credit history”. What do you mean? I have purchased a couple cars and a house through loans before. I have paid them back all on time. WHAT do you mean? But alas, your history outside of the country counts for nothing. That was lesson #1.

That led me to my next question: How do you build credit when no one will extend it to you? To that question, although he writes loans all day long, he had absolutely no answer. The system just wasn’t set up to accommodate immigrants like me.

You need credit to build a credit history

I left the dealership very dejected and defeated. However, what I failed to mention before was that the salesman was actually a Jamaican. He took me on as his case study in how to get a new immigrant approved for a loan. Unbeknownst to me, he searched and searched. Good news: he found an institution that was willing to give me a loan. Bad news: it was at a whopping 12%. He called me in, gave me the low down, talked me through what I was up against. I weighed the pros and cons and decided to bite the bullet and go for it, even if just to build my credit. He advised that I should pay it down early and look to refinance as soon as my credit score began to rise. That was good advice! Lesson #2: You need credit to get credit!

Don’t apply for credit just because it’s offered

As my credit score began to teeter around being just OK, I began getting offers from all and sundry. All the retail stores were offering credit cards; banks, loan companies etc. I resisted the urge to apply for more credit because I felt one was enough for me to worry about for now. I am happy I did. Because I found out that every time there is a certain type of query against you credit history, your credit score drops by a few points, even if you don’t take it. So lesson #3, be very strategic about applying for credit.

At the end of the day, even though I took that car loan out of dire necessity at the time, I used it to springboard my way to purchasing my first home after my son was born. It worked out in the end.

Here is some practical advice from my friend Kim Galeta from KimGaleta.com. She is a personal finance blogger who also migrated to the US from Jamaica.

1. Start with a cash secured credit card to build your credit faster

A cash secured credit card is just like a regular credit card, expect it is secured by cash. You must deposit cash to your card before you can make any purchases. These are much easier to be approved and are a great option for people who don’t yet have a credit history.

2. Join a credit union

Credit unions often offer much more favorable rates for individuals who are looking to build credit. Check with your employer to see if they are associated with one that you may be able to join.

3. Refinance

If you have already taken out credit for a car or other purchase, consider refinancing after about a year to showcase your credit history.

Debt

4. Check your credit score often

Use free platforms like CreditKarma to check your credit score often. They offer great advice on how to improve your score.

5. Take it one step at a time

It can be overwhelming to navigate all you need to know about the credit system in the US. Sign up for free resources where possible and ask for qualified advice before jumping into any credit arrangement.

Long story short, a lot of the American consumerism is based on credit and debt. Use it wisely. Save your credit for bigger ticket items like purchasing a home. You need debt but if used unwisely it can be a trap. One that is very difficult to get out of.

Thanks again for stopping by. I know this is not the “juicy” stuff but I am sure there is someone out there who can learn from my experience. Feel free to share your stories, I can’t wait to hear. I’m sure we can all learn something too.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Friendship

A man that has friends must first show himself to be friendly – Bible

That’s not me folks! That’s coming “straight outta di Bible”.

On a serious note, have you ever met someone and it felt like you have known them all your life? By the same token, have you ever known someone all your life and are left wondering if you every really knew them?

Friendship is one of the most common, yet misunderstood relationships out there. It can be complex, yet simple. You have husbands and wives who are also friends; cousins who are friends, even strangers who become friends but are more like family. You get the picture. Somehow though, so many people have difficulties with friendship. Wonder why??

We start forming friendships at an early age, in the most innocent and organic ways. It has been interesting to watch my son grow up and transition through his many “friends”. His best friend changes daily, but that’s ok when you’re 5 years old. I just don’t think it’s fine when you’ve crossed over into adulthood and have no real friends that you can count on or when you change friends every couple months. Of course, as we grow we evolve and our needs change but there are some common threads we should look for in sustaining friendships that will carry us throughout life. I do believe everyone needs that.

Here are some thoughts on how you can build and improve your friendships and avoid some of the friendship pitfalls

1. If you are looking for a friend, then be a friend

Now, I know I am going to catch some flack for this but I do watch some of these reality TV shows. The Real Housewives shows on Bravo TV have been known to be dvr’d by me from time to time. When I get a chance, I do try to catch up on the Atlanta one (What!!! Sue me, it’s my secret indulgence). I watch these shows, if for nothing else to see how awesomely great my life is!! I don’t have these issues with other people over absolutely nothing, and have it played out for the whole world to see!!! I know it’s entertainment but man… it can get rough.

When I hear some of these women talking about who is whose friend and what a real friend should be doing, I really want to say “Ladies, you are not friends!!! You’re just on the same reality tv show!!!”. They can be so nasty to each other, then they throw the word friend into the mix and somehow, it should all just resolve itself. “Friend” is thrown around very loosely and there is no real value attached.

I believe that if you are looking for a friend, YOU must FIRST be friendly. It’s not for the other person to win your friendship, for you to sit back and watch what they are doing and judge. YOU have to be a friend and you’d be surprised how that reciprocates. Friendship is a two-way street.

2. Take it slow

Pink Swear — Avoiding the pitfalls of friendship

By the same token, at the beginning of any friendship, TAKE IT SLOW. Don’t go divulging your deep dark secrets to someone you have just met not knowing what their intentions are for you. Kinda similar to a romantic relationship.

Do the “dating” thing. Get to know each other. Find out if your core values are the same. Can you have a conversation for more than 5 mins? Do they only talk about themselves? What do they say about you when you’re not around? Are they supportive of your dreams and aspirations? That kind of thing. If these things are not in place, you best believe you will end up with a friendship crisis on your hands. Noone wants that.

3. Watch out for red flags

Red flags in a friendship can come in many forms. Trick is to be able to spot them and identify them for what they are. One friendship red flag is your friend not being able to accept, let alone pay you a genuine compliment when it’s deserving. If someone is commending or complementing you and your friend finds a way to add a negative jab at you, you might want to take note.

There are some people for whom friendship is a means to an end. They are in it for what they can get out of it and nothing else. When you’re up, they are with you. When you’re down they are nowhere to be found. I know it can be hard to tell, but to save yourself from the issues down the road, you need to be able see it coming. And you might not do anything about it, but identify it for what it is and don’t put too much value on that friendship.

4. Some people you just have to love from afar

Isn’t that the truth! I’ve had a really good friend for many years now that I love like a sister; in spite of her crazy antics at times. After high school, we lost touch because she left the country to attend college. From time to time we would connect and it was all about catching up and resetting but we would always be in and out of touch. And then she would just disappear.

As best as I could, I’ve been there for some pretty important events in her life. When her father died I was there to support her, when she was grappling with the thought of motherhood I was there, when her daughter was being christened I was there.

Right now, I have no clue where she is, or what she’s doing. I have tried to maintain contact but for whatever reason it did not work for her. But you better believe that if she needs me I will support her in whatever way I can. However, I will not force it.… I understand the nature of our friendship and it is what it is. No more, no less. I can still love her from a distance.

5. Know when it’s time to move on

This one is hard. I know. But sometimes we have to move on from some people. Sad to say. If a friendship is draining the life out of you and you can’t find a way to survive in it, then it might just be time to move on. And maybe it doesn’t mean not having any interaction with that individual, it could just be that the nature of your interactions needs to change.

If there is more taking than giving, it might be time to change… If you feel suffocated, it might be time to cut ties…

At the end of the day, life has many seasons. They require different kinds of friendships. It’s your lifelong friends that will be your anchor and your compass during changing seasons. I have been blessed to have these kinds of friends. Friends who have been there through thick and thin. Doesn’t mean we agree on everything, but there are some basic cords that bind us that are hard to break. I sincerely wish and hope for you the same; that more people will be able to discover the value of true friendship.

Thanks again for stopping by. Feel free to share your experiences and connect with me through my social media channels.

Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

How do you survive the death a parent when you are far away from home? Read on!

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes – Benjamin Franklin

Some people evade taxes. Most of us pay our dues; and then some. Death, however is the ultimate equalizer. It’s a path everyone, bar none, must take. Yet it seems we never ever get used to it.

My father passed away suddenly on December 27, 2009. Seven long years ago, yet it still seems surreal to me that he is no longer with us. I still talk about him as if he is still alive. I am sure those of you who have experienced this can relate.

The call

I remember the day like it was yesterday. Having been in the US for about a year and just started working, it wasn’t the time to be taking vacations even though I missed my family. I decided that I wouldn’t be going back home to visit for at least another year. You know how vacation eligibility works in corporate America. And besides, I was working as a contractor back then so every hour counted to my pocket book.

I got a strange call from my mother early that Sunday morning. She didn’t give me details only to say that my father was really sick and things were not looking good. I was ready to board a plane because I had to see him! That was my dad you were talking about. She convinced me not to do it. So I waited, panicked as I could be. Only to get another call a few hours later that he didn’t make it.

I was devastated. I couldn’t contain myself. The shock, overwhelming grief, the pain, the hurt, the unanswered questions… wanting to see him, to speak to him, to hug him one last time. But I was thousands of miles away. Far away from my family and friends, my support system.

How did I handle it?

I grieved

I cried, I hollered, I screamed, I rolled, I heaved, I cried out to God, I asked why…you name it… I did it. That was grieving for me. Whatever I felt like doing, that’s just what I did. No trying to think rational, or being strong or having anyone talk me out of just wallowing in my state. I just let loose.

This happened on Sunday so I took the next day off work. I hadn’t slept and just didn’t feel like being around anyone. I grieved some more.

By this time the calls were coming in from far and wide. I was in a much better position to speak. But when I could not, I just didn’t. I was polite but some conversations I just didn’t engage in. It was just not the time.

I did not rush the process

Even though I was back at work by Tuesday(bank account calling), the heaviness in my heart began to feel physical. My heart felt like it was literally being ripped out of my chest. I put my best foot forward, trying to focus as best as I could on the tasks at hand. Not giving myself the room to think too much. When my mind wandered, I wrote. I wrote letters to my dad, I wrote letters to God. I just wrote. Being far away from home with no-one to spontaneously talk to when I needed to left me feeling lonely and helpless. That was tough.

I wasn’t there to support my mother and that weighed heavily on me. But kudos to my younger brother(my only sibling), he was a tower of strength for all of us during that time.

I held on to the memories

My daddy was my hero, my champion, my cheer leader, my encourager. He and my mother gave us the tools we needed to become well-adjusted adults. They taught us to love God and lived as shining examples for us.

I have so many fond memories of him just being a really good dad. I still draw on these experiences whenever I begin to feel sad(I am tearing up even as I am writing this post). Even though he was an ordinary man, my father, he walked with princes and paupers alike. He held the respect and admiration of all who he came in contact with.

Of the myriad of memories of my dad, one that I recalled with my husband recently was when I was about to start my final undergraduate year at the university in Jamaica. I had worked all summer and was looking forward to completing my university career while resident on campus. I fell really ill and passed out in the hallway of the dorm; just fell flat on my face.

While I was recovering, he took public transportation up to the campus and came and camped out in my room just to keep me company. He just sat there and watched me while I slept, and no doubt prayed. I don’t even think he ate!! He just needed to know I was OK and I felt so secure having him there with me. Even now I feel like he still watches over me.

I faced it and got closure

The time came for me to go home. I was forced to once again face the reality of him being gone. That was by far the toughest part of this whole journey. Somehow in the back of my mind, I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, when I got there I would walk into the house and see him sitting in his favorite chair watching cricket(which was what he was doing when he passed away). My world was about to be rocked once again. I relived the whole experience of losing him all over again.

Looking back I realized that I had to go through it. I needed closure. So I grieved once again. I talked about him. I looked through his stuff. Even though I had spoken to him the day before he died, I had to “feel” his presence one more time.

Many people visited with us while I was there. The stories they told of how he touched their lives started to comfort me. On the day of his funeral, our local church, which is pretty large, was overflowing its pews and balconies. Literally hundreds of people had come to pay their final respects. There was standing room only. If I had any doubt, I confirmed that his was a life well lived and I knew he was resting well. He was at peace. He legacy was intact. That’s all you can ask for.

I know some of you might be going through a similar situation or will do so at some point in your life. I hope my experience and my coping strategies provide comfort and help you find ways to handle it.

Please comment below with any feedback. Let me know if you like these kinds of posts as well.

A New Way to Think about Super Bowl Sunday LI

The Super Bowl, one of the biggest, flashiest, most anticipated events in the American sporting world. Everyone; from the football teams, to their management, to the sporting fans, to advertisers; literally the entire country and dare I say, the world, anticipates this event.

Everyone, that is, except yours truly! I have no clue about the game. I just don’t get it(don’t judge me please). You see, where I am from, football is what is referred to as soccer here in the US. And football is more akin to rugby. Rugby, which is really not that popular back home, is not a sport I enjoy watching. I always thought it was much too rough.

Nevertheless, despite my lack of interest in the game and the sport overall, I was interested enough to follow the headlines, mainly because the team from my current city made it to the Super Bowl! Yeah!!

The city was lit!!! Hopes and dreams, aspirations, anticipation, celebration. It was all demonstrated during the last few weeks leading up to the finals.

So I took some time to think about the game and what lessons we can learn from Super Bowl LI.

Here are 5 life lessons I came up with:-

Life Lesson #1 : Anticipate the best but prepare for the worst

Hometown Team was the underdog of the Super Bowl. No surprises there. Hugely underestimated in the efforts to make it to the finals, but they did; much to the delight of the home crowd. And rightly so!

However as the game progressed, hometown team was leading by what seemed to be an unrecoverable margin for the opponent. Home fans started celebrating! After parties got going, fans were drinking. But the fat lady had not sang. Whilst the home spirit was admirable, it’s not over ‘til it’s over. Hometown team lost by a narrow margin, which made it even more difficult a loss to swallow.

There is definitely a take away here. In life, you may be on top and things seem to all be going your way. At a moment’s notice, the winds shift and your whole world is turned upside down. The life lesson here is to be prepared for life’s eventualities. Whether it be financially, emotionally or otherwise. Do not let down your guard; stay focused and BE PREPARED!

Life Lesson #2: Never underestimate your challenges

Back to the hometown team, they were competing against a many-time Super Bowl championship team. Of course they went in with confidence with the full backing of the home crowd. However they were up against the experience and tenacity of the opponent. Despite getting a very sizeable lead up until the 3^rd quarter, they could not sustain. According to the coach, they ran out of steam and that cost the game.

Lesson here is that in life we cannot underestimate our challenges. Don’t take them lightly or procrastinate, no matter how trivial they seem. If we do, we will not put in the effort required to solve them. Small issues left unattended turn into huge problems.

Life Lesson #3: It’s not always about winning

It’s the day after the Super Bowl. My 5 year old wakes up; he found out hometown team lost. He was unbelievably upset! Sulking and even crying at some point. From the viewpoint of a 5 year old(and some adults), winning is IT! But it really isn’t. Sometimes you give it all you’ve got and it’s just not enough. That’s life! You pick yourself up and refocus, learn from your mistakes and try again.

Life Lesson #4: Pace Yourself

Hometown team went out very aggressively at the start of the game. Whatever the game plan was, they seemed to have lost that vitality and energy in the last quarter and they were totally left helpless at the hands of the opponent.

Remember, life is a marathon, not a sprint. Some of us make snap decisions that provide benefit for the moment at the expense of our long term good. Instead, focus on making good sustainable long term decisions that will set us up for growth. Without growth, life becomes stale and there is no inner drive to persevere. We all need something to aspire towards.

Finally,

Life Lesson #5, Trust the process

Hometown team had not been to the Super Bowl in 18 years. As you can imagine, there was a lot was riding on this opportunity. While I would hate to speak out of turn here, I believe that this loss is part of the growth process which they must go through in order to sustain when they reach to this stage the next time. Hopefully it won’t be another 18 years, but from what I gather they have the makings of a team being built up with young talented players.

Similarly in life, we must appreciate the process. It’s the process that shapes us and molds us into what we are becoming. If we focus too much on the results or the outcome of each situation, we miss the lessons that we must learn along the way that will benefit us over the long haul. When we get too consumed with the immediate end result, we are willing to do whatever it takes to get us there. Those decisions are not always in our best interest.

I hope these words of encouragement resonate with you as they did with me. Let me know if you find these kinds of posts useful. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below and follow me using my social media links. Thanks again for taking the time to read and see you next time!