April 2017 - Diary of a Jamerican Mom

How to Handle Mommy Fail Moments

I’m not sure, maybe because Mother’s Day is coming, but I feel like I’m in full on mommy mode as far as my blog is concerned. I read a post from a fellow Jamaican blogger yesterday and it also added a little fuel to that fire. Made me start thinking of my “mommy fail moments”. I hope I’m not the only one who has had them.

I don’t think I am alone in this, but everything I do, every decision I make, every moment of the day, I think about my son. How my choices will affect him, am I raising him the “right way”, and by right way I mean in a way that will be suitable and effective for him. And don’t confuse this with meaning that I want to do for him what he likes, because that’s not it. My primary goal above all is to equip him for life so he is able to function and make good choices no matter what life throws at him. Help him develop good coping skills.

Fail #1

My son’s preschool has an annual trike-a-thon. This was a day when you would bring in their tricycles to school so they could ride to collect funds on behalf of St Jude’s Children Hospital. The day came, I dropped him to school and totally forgot to take his trike. I spoke with his morning teacher and she said not to worry, he could use one from the center. I was working 30 miles away at that time so it wasn’t an option for me to go home and get it.

When I went to pick him up in the evening, his afternoon teacher started shaking her head as soon as she saw me. She asked why I did that to him. I was a little confused at first.. She pulled me aside and began to lightly scold me. She said “You know how aware he is of what’s going on. Why would you forget his trike?”. He had gotten into it with another child who had a trike similar to the one he had at home. And became well aware that he was probably the only child without his own and got pretty upset. He was about 2 1/2 at the time.

I felt so ashamed from the scolding I got, but most of all, for knowing I contributed to his disappointment. He was confused because he thought the trike was his, and then when he found out that it wasn’t, he felt left out. I felt like I failed him.

From that day on I purposed to not contribute to him feeling left out of those kind of group activities. He’s older now, so we can have a conversation about these things and make choices together.

Fail #2

Mommies and some fathers can usually relate to the natural instinct about what’s going on with their child. Sometimes we dismiss it, doubt ourselves and sometimes to their detriment. I remember about 2 1/2 years ago, I was alone with him at home. My husband had his staff party that night and I opted not to go. I gave him a bath and he was in my bedroom playing, but at the same time complaining that his throat hurt.

I took note, but since he was still playing I decided to watch him a little closer. There was nothing visible that I could see. He complained a few more times so I told him, let’s go to bed, and had him lie beside me. When my husband came home I told him that he wasn’t feeling well, and of course in typical dad fashion he said “the kid is fine, are we going to get panicked over every little thing that happens”. Anyway, my gut was right. He woke up crying uncontrollably. I tried to soothe him. He would go back to sleep and just wake up again in the same way.

I woke my husband up and told him that I think something is wrong. He ignored me and went back to sleep. Of course I was wide awake contemplating getting dressed and taking him in to the ER by myelf.

The third time he woke up, got up out of the bed and went to the bathroom, trying to put water on his face because it was “hot”. I followed him, and when I turned the light on, I almost fainted. One side of his face swollen so bad he was unrecognizable. I had to gather my legs under me, pick him up and console him in between getting dressed to take him to the hospital.

It turned out to be THAT serious because we spent 4 helpless days in the hospital with him, still not knowing what was wrong. I regret not acting sooner and sparing him the pain, he was in a lot of pain.

Fail #3

Back to preschool(can you tell I loved that center), they had an annual thanksgiving family lunch. Now those of you in the corporate world know, sometimes it’s difficult to break away during the work day. This particular year, I made it, but I got there late. When the other kids were having lunch with parents/grandparents, my son was at the teachers table because he had no one. At that age, you might think they don’t get it but they certainly do. His teacher told me he was sad. I hated that. No parent wants to disappoint their child, even for a short time. Thank God that one was short lived.

There was also grandparents day where he was probably the only child without someone there. I would try to stay on a little and have breakfast with him so he didn’t feel left out. He has 2 grandmothers but they were live far away. This one year, another grand-dad adopted him for the day(God bless him). He enjoyed having a doting grand-dad, at least for a day.

I always try to make it to my son’s school events to support him. I strongly believe those are the things they will remember in life more that the gifts you give them. When I think back to my own childhood those are the memories I hold dearest of my parents, especially my father since he’s not with us any more.

We are not perfect, but we are good enough

Despite all of these incidents, which might have felt like huge failures at the time, I have come to realize that as mothers we need to give ourselves a break. It’s not the end of the world, we are not super humans, even though our kids might think so. The most important thing is to keep giving it our best shot but knowing that we will fall short sometimes. It’s not about perfection.

Here is a link to a video where some children are telling how they feel about their mommies. I am sure your children feel the same way. Enjoy! [Video Source: B3 Parenting Magazine]

Happy Mother’s Day to you all!!!

Conversations With My Son: Why did You Get a RED Star?

Those of you that have kids in kindergarten might be familiar with the behavior reporting system that some teachers implement to keep them in line and to keep parents abreast of how they are doing behavior-wise on a daily basis. My son’s classroom has a clip system, where they start out in the middle on “ready to learn” and they can either go up or down depending on how they do on that day. The best possible is “outstanding” (pink star) and the worst possible is “parent contact”(red star).

My son has had a pretty difficult week this week(not sure what’s happening), and he ended the week with a red star. Of course he came home knowing that we would not be happy about that and went straight to sleep.

Now as a (good) parent, you want your child to do well and be the best version of themselves. In a country where your color determines how you are perceived, you don’t want to give fodder to that viewpoint(this is real people). You want to raise a strong black man, who is able to maneuver successfully despite the odds that are stacked against him.

Questions

How do you bring that out in your child without breaking his spirit, without him losing himself and who he innately is? How do you reinforce positive behaviors while correcting the bad ones?

Parenting Styles

I have been doing some research on parenting styles and how they can impact children. Because you know we don’t get a manual on how to do this. I found some info that I’d like to share with you because I am sure some of you struggle with this as well. In summary there are 4 main types(and they are not mutually exclusive).

Authoritarian – this is where parents set the rules and expect children to follow without exception. I call this “because I said so” parenting. Prominent in this style is punishment. Based on psychological research this style of parenting can lead to self-esteem problems even though children raised with this style may be more likely to follow the rules.

Authoritative – this is where parents set rules and expect children to follow, however there are some exceptions. Parents using this style may tell children why the rules are what they are and are willing to consider their feelings in setting limits. There are more consequences for actions rather than punishment and there are usually positive consequences for positive behaviors; usually a reward system. Children raised with this parenting style tend to be happier and more successful later in life as they are comfortable evaluating risks on their own.

Permissive – this is where parents don’t offer much discipline. They take a “kids will be kids” approach and only step in when things have gotten really bad. Parents using this style tend to be more of a friend to their children. They talk about issues with their children but don’t generally discourage bad behaviors. Children raised with this style may struggle academically and not appreciate authority and rules.

Uninvolved – this is where parents are just plain old neglectful(believe it or not there are parents out there like this). They often do not meet the basic needs of their children and expect that the children will raise themselves or each other. There are no rules and no nurturing or parental attention.

Source: https://www.verywell.com/types-of-parenting-styles-1095045

Can you figure out what style(s) you are?

Our Conversation

I thought back to a previous conversation we had about another “red star” day. Usually, we would let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and that he would need to do better the next day. That day I decided to take a different approach. I asked him what happened. Of course he said “I don’t know”. He just didn’t want to talk about it. So I proceeded to explain to him(as gently and reasonably as I could) that we have to be honest with each other(even if he thinks he will be in trouble) because I won’t be able to help him if he’s not. Amazingly, he understood.

He relayed the events to me, obviously still upset. It was picture day and he had worn his new shirt to school. They had recess before the pictures were taken and there was another boy who kept tugging his shirt on the playground. He said he told him to stop. When he wouldn’t he went and told his teacher. The teacher spoke to them and told them to go play. But the other child kept tugging his shirt so asked him if he’s stupid. Oops! That word is taboo in schools nowadays. The little boy told and gained him a red star.

Now as a parent, when you hear stories like this, you want to say “OK, never mind”, and just keep it moving. But unfortunately, we have to start teaching our black sons how to handle themselves to avoid situations like this if possible while still standing up for themselves.

After he said that, I actually had tears in my eyes because I was thinking ahead to him being a 6 ft something 20 years old young black man, being provoked, retaliating and then having to face consequences for actions that he didn’t start. That’s real!

My Response

I thought about it a little bit and tried to think of the best way to respond. All this time he was sitting in my lap with his head on my chest. I looked at him and said. “I understand.”. And that was all it took.

He loosened up and his whole demeanor changed. I went on to explain that sometimes we get frustrated with others because of the things they do, and that’s OK. What is not OK is when we call others names. We are going to try to work on that. He asked “Then what should I do?”. I told him to not to play with that kid any more if he keeps annoying him and to keep reporting it until something is done. That’s all I could come up with that was appropriate for a 5 year old.

I am so grateful for his previous pre-school. They got it right. They did not punish but rather had consequences for actions(good or bad). I asked him “If I robbed a bank, what would happen?”. His response “You would go to jail”. So I said “That’s the consequence”. So I asked “So how do you prevent consequences for bad actions?” He said “Don’t rob a bank!”. I had to laugh because it was funny, but I think he got it.

What I suggest

Talk to your kids

No matter how young they are start having conversations with them and learn their personalities and how they are forming their view of the world. That’s the only way we as parents will have an opportunity to catch things that will probably lead them to make wrong choices. My belief is that children should respect parents and adults in general, but we should also try to understand them. Listen to them. Get to know them. The world has changed so much since we were children. The generation gap is widening every day but there are some fundamental values that I think should remain.

Don’t judge them

As young as my son is, if he feels like you’ve judged the situation before he’s had a chance to explain, that’s it. And I’m speaking to myself as well, don’t judge them before you know the whole story. If you don’t know it, listen. And after you listen, show some humanity. Let them know what aspects of what they did is OK, and what’s not. You don’t get a chance to do that if you don’t hear it. We have to encourage honesty, regardless of what they deem the consequences to be. Punishment is not always the best response either. If there are consequences for actions, explain them and why. The aim is to change the behavior.

I know each child is different, and what works for my child will probably be different for yours. So I hope you can find something useful in my situation. We all want to raise positive, well adjusted adults. That starts from day 1. Whoever said parenting was easy??

Thanks again for stopping by and sharing in my ramblings. Please remember to subscribe and follow us on social media so you never miss out! See you soon.

Easter Traditions(Jamaica vs USA)

It’s Easter! Celebrated in many different ways by many different people. Cherished traditions are passed down through generations, focusing on different aspects of the holiday. It’s very strange to me that Good Friday and Easter Monday are not national holidays here in the US like it is in Jamaica and other parts of the world. It’s a normal day for work and school just like any other. That threw me for a loop when first came here. How could that be?

The root of Easter lies in the celebration and resurrection of Jesus Christ. For those of us of faith, this will be the focus of the holiday however it is celebrated. I will be focusing on a couple Jamaican Easter traditions that I miss and some differences in traditions between how Easter is celebrated in Jamaica and US.

Fish

During my childhood, apart from Christmas, this was one of the most anticipated holidays. It’s usually a time when friends and family get together over the long Easter weekend(from Good Friday straight through to Easter Monday). Starting from Ash Wednesday, in observance of Lent, people would give up something for 40 days until Easter. That was mainly along the lines of meat and such. As a result, fish became a main staple during Easter. Our meals almost always contained fish prepared by either frying, steaming, roasting, whatever. Just know, you’re going to have fish. Living on an island made this easy, but as with the rules of demand and supply, prices skyrocketed during this season.

I haven’t noticed any foods that stand out during Easter since I have been in the US but usually people take time out so share with family and friends, whether it be a picnic, cookout, or just Easter dinner. So that we have in common.

Bun and Cheese

Another staple of Easter time was “bun and cheese”. Not sure how this tradition came about but it’s been around “from I know myself”. I heard some time ago that it has it roots in the British tradition of hot cross buns. For those of you who don’t know what that is, my best description would be that it’s a very sweet loaf(bread), similar in taste to a hot cross bun but with unique Jamaican flair. Molasses and honey added along with other local delights which make it unique. It is usually made like a sandwich which a huge chunk of cheddar cheese in the middle.

It’s such a staple of our culture that people give them as gifts during the season; offices hand them out to their staff and businesses to their clients. Whether its store-bought or home-made, doesn’t matter. Bun and cheese haffi run fi Easter. (Translation: There will always be bun and cheese around for Easter)

Good Friday and Easter Sunday Church Service

There are definitely similarities here between Jamaica and the US. Church was usually standing room only on these days because those folks who don’t make it to church on any other Sunday, for whatever reason, make an effort for Easter. It’s always great to see the turnout and you kinda hope that it will follow through to next week. But that’s not usually the case. But it’s all good! Better special occasions than not at all. I also remember that people would traditionally wear black on Good Friday and then white on Easter.

Here in America, it’s all about the beautiful pastel shades for Easter. Easter dresses for little girls, beautiful hats and even the boys have carte blanche to dress up in pastel shades, even for that one day. It’s a beauty to watch, just like the spring time flowers that are in full bloom at that time.

Easter Bunny and Egg Hunts

Now, the Easter Bunny and all it’s paraphernalia and traditions were never a feature in Jamaica when I was growing up. However within recent years there are pockets of people who partake. Globalization at its best. In the US, there are stories about the Easter Bunny surprising kids with Easter eggs filled with candy and other treats. This is fun for the kids because it’s like Christmas all over again, except they need to find the gifts themselves. This one took a little getting used to for me because, who wants their kids pumped up with more candy!! (I let my son do the egg hunt then ration the candies lol). But seriously, can someone enlighten me on what rabbits and eggs have to do with Easter? I’m sure it’s rooted in some tradition but no one seems to be able to tell me!!

There is also the tradition of dying eggs during Easter. This one takes me out of my depth so I stay far from it. Not sure what the root of it is, but I am happy to let my son participate with his school friends along with his able teachers who know exactly how it’s done. No shame in my game!

I am still learning and adjusting to new traditions here in America. I live here, so when is Rome… However I try to maintain my own traditions as well, so my son is informed of his roots and the cultures I grew up with that made me who I am today.

Please comment below and share some of your Easter traditions that you grew up with and any that you have acquired along the way. I am sure some of you have fun family traditions that would be interesting to the rest of us.

The Truth About Parents

Being a parent is one of the most unique undertakings I have engaged in in my entire life. I’m sure all the parents out there can relate. It’s tough yet rewarding at the same time. The same people who make you want to scream and tear your hair out, melt your heart in an instant.

I have always heard it said if you thought you knew love before, wait until you have a child. I can certainly attest to that 100 percent. So much so that I cannot fathom how anyone could intentionally cause harm to their own kids. That’s beyond my ability to comprehend.

This brings me to the notion of our own parents. And this question is for those of us who have been fortunate to attain adulthood and still have our parents around… isn’t it interesting how the dynamic of your relationship with your parents evolves and changes over time? How you manage the balance between showing them respect, even fear(healthy) as your parents, seeking their advice on things, but yet becoming their guides in a changing world and for some even their caregivers. It’s as if you were becoming the parent to them, almost.(I also want to give a shout out to those who were raised by people other than biological parents. This post refers to those care givers as well).

A childhood friend of mine reached out to me this week about a surprise birthday event she was planning for her father who was about to celebrate his 75th birthday. First of all, it struck me. 75!!! What was she saying? Didn’t make sense. Then I thought about my own mother and realized, hmmmm she’s pretty close to that too. I started thinking about the varying relationships I have noticed between my adult friends and their own parents. Some were good, others not so good. And while I am not judging anyone’s relationship with their parents, because I really don’t know, I thought back to my own parents and some lessons I have learnt as an adult that can help me to understand them more and have a better relationship. Maybe they can help you too.

Here are 3 thoughts to bear in mind when it comes to our parents.

Cherish Them

I think this is where we should all start. Sometimes we don’t know what we have until we lose it. I knew what I had, but I still lost it. My dad of blessed memory. You can read my story about my father’s passing in a previous post. I don’t think I could even have gotten to the place I am now if I had somehow had a bad relationship with him and then to have lost him the way I did. I know he knew he was loved by us and we knew the same. Even though I had not seen him for a year when he passed away, he understood why and we had been keeping close contact.

So those of you who may have strained relationships with your parents, please, try to make it right. Remember you’re now an adult as well so you can communicate and work through things as adults, together. If you should lose them while you’re in that state, trust me, you will take a much longer time to go through the pain of the loss. I know this is not a one size fits all, but I know this is speaking to somebody out there. Cherish your parents!

READ: Surviving the Death of a Parent(when you are far away from home)

Train Them

Now this might sound strange, but you really need to do this. Remember, some of them are not used to having adult children who are now responsible for making their own life choices, whether they like them or not. You need to help them make that transition. It’s not easy for them. They brought you into this world and have been responsible for you for a very long time. They are used to telling you what to do.

This doesn’t have to be combative; not like a rebellious teen. I know, they tell you how to raise your kids, how to cook your meals, how to run your household, your life even… But slowly helping them adjust to the changing nature of the relationship between you and them will go a far way.

Forgive Them

This is last on the list but certainly not least. We need to forgive our parents. For those of us that are parents ourselves, we know that being a parent is not an easy task. No-one teaches you how to do it. You don’t get a manual for it. You either make the decision to have a child or you’re forced to and from then on it’s sink or swim.

We learn most of our parenting from our parents. We either mimic them or we decide we will do it differently. Either way, we make that judgement call, daily, how we will parent our kids.

If we think about how challenging it is for ourselves, why do we think that it was any easier for our parents??? They were not perfect, sometimes far from it. But many of them made the best decisions with the resources they had at the time. Looking back, even they may have done it differently. But that’s the thing about life… you don’t get a do-over. Just got to move forward and make adjustments as you go. Resentment for past actions is not the way to go. Forgive them!

Finally, I truly believe that it’s our responsibility to build on what our parents have given us. We should endeavor to make it better for the next generation, and so on. So we should move on from the mistakes of past generations and we should also expect the generation we leave behind to do the same. If we keep that perspective, the world will continually be a better place. I know this sounds like a “world peace” speech but it’s a simple concept. And it begins(or continues) with us.

Thanks for sharing this moment with me. I really feel this will speak to someone(even just one) and that will be enough for me.

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4 Basic Tips for Reducing Financial Stress

If you think back to a stress-free time in your life, either you had no responsibilities or you had everything under control. Well, if your life is anything like the rest of us, the first option might have been during our pre-teen years and the latter is totally impossible. Sadly, a jus’ so di ting set(Translate – it’s just how life works). This post will focus on four simple ways to reduce financial stress.

Can we all stop and think of a time in our life when we were stress-free? Just think with me for a minute… Where would you be? Recreate the scenery right now.

For me it would be back when I was a child, playing with self-made toys with my neighbors and friends during summer vacation. You know those months when all you had to do was play, and your chores of course. But the top priority was play time and interacting with friends. The only stress we had was making sure that we completed our chores on time and deciding what teams we would be on. In Jamaica, it would probably be 90 degrees, brisk breeze… we’d be eating fruits from the trees, playing one game after the next. Looking forward to trips to the beach; to some new spot on the island you had never been; visiting relatives and friends. Laughter and fun was never in scarce supply. Ahhhh…

Life throws so many things our way; some real, others imagined. These circumstances can lead to stress of varying degrees. The focus of this post is on those of the financial kind. I know you know them. We probably can all speak from personal experience but that will not be the focus of this post. I want us to consider 4 simple things we can do to reduce that financial stress and recreate some of that feeling we had during the stress-free time in our lives, even if just for a short time.

My tips are loosely based on Dave Ramsey’s plan but scaled back based on my own experience and where I am on my journey.

Build up your emergency fund

This is for unforeseen eventualities that WILL pop up. For example, an unexpected car-related expense, a house repair, you get the picture. Since I am in the US the recommendation is to have at least US$1000. You can equate that to your own currency and decide what that figure should be for you. But make sure you have the emergency fund built up so, not if, but WHEN those curve balls come at you, you can dig in. But remember to replace it. It should always be available.

Plan your budget/expenses

When I say plan, I mean every dollar. Have you ever heard of the concept called zero-based budgeting? I hadn’t either, but it means that you should budget every last dollar until there is no money left in your account. I know it sounds strange but stay with me.

Now, this does not mean you should spend all your money, but it simply means that every dollar is accounted for, and get this… even for saving. See how that works! So you know when your funds are coming in, you look at all your categories(monthly bills, everyday expenses, fixed expenses, debt, giving , saving etc.) and you allocate all your income to each category as appropriate.

I must admit this was hard for me at first, but the more you do it the more you get used to it and you begin to see the value. That way when you have to spend money on say ice-cream for the kids, or shopping for those shoes you have been eyeing that are now on sale, there is no guilt. It’s planned for. And guess what, your stress levels go down.

Plan your payments weekly

This is one of my valuable tips. I started doing it and a couple weeks ago I skipped out on it and something unintended came up and I panicked. What happens when you panic, stress levels go up! There might not have been a need to panic but because I had lost control of exactly where things were I could not resolve it in my mind. Not until I sat down and caught up did I begin to feel more at ease. What this entails is every week(or however often you need), you look at all your upcoming bills or payments and schedule them to make sure they are paid on time. Some people have separate accounts for all the different categories but that’s a bit too much over head for me at this point. Try planning weekly and let me know how it works for you.

Last but not least,

Come up with a plan to get rid of your debt

Now this is no secret. I shared with you a few posts ago how I was able to overcome the medical debt trap during my pregnancy and the birth of my son. Some debt is unavoidable. I don’t know many people who can survive without debt so it would be unfair to say, do not get into debt. However, we should try to get out of it as soon as we can. Consumer debt… no brainer. That’s a given. That needs to happen fast. The only people who benefit from that kind of debt are the card companies. But other kinds of debt like cars, homes etc. we should try to reduce or eliminate as soon as possible.

I know it’s a tall order and I confess I do have debt. The stress factor comes in when you fall behind on your obligations and are eventually either staring the repo man or foreclosure in the face. All the more reason to try to reduce or eliminate them as soon as you can. This would be the ultimate financial peace where you owe no one. Wouldn’t that be grand!!

These tips are very simple so if you haven’t started they should be easy to adapt. For those of you who are farther along, please share. I am also on my journey to ultimate financial peace as well. I will be sharing with you any tips that I come up with that can help you. Feel free to share with me your strategies as well. Each one, teach one.

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Month: April 2017